View From the Bushes

My "real job" is at an Esoteric Reference Laboratory, where I am the webmaster. My cubicle is on one end of the building near the executives and the R&D people. This makes it deadly boring. On the other side of the building are the labs, which apparently are a very happening place. There is a break room at each end of the building. A few days ago I happened to be over in the "fun" breakroom, when I noticed a flyer posted in about every conceivable location. Basically it said, "Someone stole my bottle of Pepsi drank almost all of it, and then put it back. I don't know what you look like but you don't know what I look like and when I catch you I'll have you drawn, quartered and fed to the piranhas."

Okay I made up the part about the piranhas, but I felt it was necessary to convey the venom which dripped from each of these flyers. Later that day I went to the "dull" breakroom. No flyers, no mention of death or dismemberment: in short, no excitement at all. Yesterday I went back to the "edgy" break room and apparently some supervisor had decided that rather than threaten physical violence the more professional thing to do was post flyers with instructions for reporting the time, edible, and lunchbox branding (He-Man, Scooby-Doo and Powerpuff Girls, were the options I believe).

In some sense, obviously, this flyer was not as exciting as the first, except for the title was "Help us catch the Lunch/Dinner Thief!!" Which gave me a vision off one guy sneaking into the breakroom in a mask grabbing some choose eats and then fleeing back to his secret pantry in the picklemobile. This contradicts my gut, which tells me it's probably several people, who probably don't consider themselves worthy of a title. Plus, if you are going to have a title it has to be something more catchy then the "Lunch/Dinner Thief." How about the "Lunchbox Looter" or the "Bologna Burglar" or maybe the "Frozen Burrito Bandito." As expected, when I returned to the "executive" breakroom, there was no bandito...

Carpe Diem Quam Minimum Credula Postero,
Ross